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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26609836">Crackin' Wise</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dynamix/pseuds/dynamix'>dynamix</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Rapunzel's Tangled Adventure (Cartoon), Tangled (2010)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Stabbing, Whump, Whumptober 2020, and is a smartass about it. because of course he is, eugene gets hurt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:53:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,801</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26609836</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dynamix/pseuds/dynamix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Eugene’s first thought upon waking up was ‘I wonder if Blondie’s made breakfast yet.’ His second was ‘wait a minute, this isn’t the caravan,’ followed quickly by ‘oh, shit, I’m chained to a wall.’ Turns out, you make enough enemies, and one day, they catch up to you. </p>
<p>Set somewhere mid-canon on the road to the dark kingdom. Eugene’s been kidnapped. Things aren’t looking great.</p>
<p>Written for day one of Whumptober: ‘let’s hang out sometime’- prompt 'waking up restrained'.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Crackin' Wise</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If Eugene Fitzherbert had a nickel for every time he’d woken up chained to something or other, he’d have, like, at least fifteen nickels. If he had one for every time he’d woken up chained to something with absolutely no idea what the hell was going on, he’d have one nickel, because usually, he’d fucked something or other up, and, cause and effect, somebody’d be out for him. Either that, or they’d at least have had the common decency to knock him out first so he had some idea what he was getting into.</p>
<p>This time? Nada. Zilch. Zero clue. He’d been asleep in the caravan one moment, and now?</p>
<p>Well. Now, he was shackled to a wall, is what he was. Thick metal cuffs surrounded his wrists and ankles, attached together with short metal chains, which linked up to tie him to the wall. An equally thick cuff lay around his neck like a collar, the metal cool and biting against his skin. The room around him was equally cold- it looked like a cellar of sorts, with dirty stone walls and the faint smell of mildew.</p>
<p>And Rapunzel? Cass and Lance? The others? Nowhere to be seen. Which either meant they’d escaped trouble (great!) or they were somewhere else, in a situation like his (less great. Not great at all).</p>
<p>Eugene took a deep breath, letting out a long sigh. Alright, so this wasn’t exactly ideal. No biggie. Easy peasy. Time to go through his patented ‘so you’ve been kidnapped steps.’</p>
<p>Step number one: try to get out. With a grunt, he pulled at the chains connecting him to the wall, face straining with effort. Nothing.</p>
<p>“Rats,” he said under his breath. “Step one never works.”</p>
<p>Alright, step two: try to get out again, but sneakier. Eugene scanned the room. He was alone. The only exit lay at the top of a small set of stairs in the far corner. As far as he could see in the dim light, there wasn’t anything of use nearby. No conveniently placed crowbars, bolt cutters, key-rings or bobby pins. Come to think of it, step two never usually worked either.</p>
<p>That left the third and final step: somehow, get whoever’s got you all tied up to get you out. The worst step, by far.</p>
<p>“Hello-o,” Eugene called out, voice echoing in the small room. “Anybody up there? Captors? Prisoner-takers? Dastardly devious-”</p>
<p>The door at the top of the steps creaked open, and Eugene cracked a grin. “Hey, buddy!” He said cheerfully, tilting his head. “Great to see you, really! We have met, right? Your shadowy figure’s looking a little familiar.”</p>
<p>“Rider,” the figure in the doorway said, taking a step down the stairs and approaching. Eugene could see his face more clearly now. Square, and scarred, with short brown hair and freckles dotting his nose. Not entirely unattractive. A pleasant departure from like likes of who usually had him tied up. Not a familiar face, though.</p>
<p>“Stranger,” he returned, nodding. “My apologies. I was much too familiar. Let me start over- hi, it’s a pleasure to meet you. My name is Eugene Fitzherbert, and-”</p>
<p>The man reached out and grabbed Eugene by the hair, yanking his head up and leaning in to his face. “Flynn Rider,” he said lowly. Eugene winced, eyes darting away. “No, dude, I just told you. Eugene. Eu-gene. Do I need to say it slower? Because I can say it slower-”</p>
<p>A fist connected with his stomach, and he gasped as the air was knocked out of him, grimacing up as the dull pain began to spread through his stomach.</p>
<p>“Don’t care,” the man said, tilting his head back and looking straight into Eugene’s eyes. “You know why you’re here?”</p>
<p>“No,” Eugene managed, trying to catch his breath. “And frankly, I don’t even know where <em>here</em> is. Where are my friends? Where’s Max? Do you have a special stable cell for him, or…”</p>
<p>“Your friends have been dealt with,” the man replied, and Eugene’s face fell rapidly into a scowl.</p>
<p>“What did you do to them?” He asked, tone dark. “Because I swear to god, if you hurt them-”</p>
<p>“You’ll what?” The man grinned. “Headbutt me? Gnash your teeth?” He rolled his eyes. “They’re fine. I don’t give a shit about them, Rider.” He dropped Eugene’s head, pulling a hand back and slamming a fist down into the side of his face. “I care about you.”</p>
<p>Eugene’s cheek exploded with pain as the fist connected, and his head snapped to the side, dropping for a second before returning to stare up at the man. “Alright, fair enough,” he said, internally thanking everything good and holy. Him captured, he could deal with. The others? Rapunzel? Not so much. “So tell me. What did I do?”</p>
<p>This earned him another punch- this time, to the opposite cheek. “You took something from me,” the man growled. “My most prized-”</p>
<p>“Most prized possession, yeah, I could have guessed,” Eugene groaned, wincing slightly. “That’s always what it is, isn’t it? Listen, buddy, it’s been a while, I’ve kind up given up the whole ‘theiving’ thing, so maybe you could just let me go, we could call it a day, you’ve gotten your anger out and I’ve been thoroughly punched, so-”</p>
<p>The man’s hand shot out and grabbed Eugene by the jaw, pushing him back and slamming him into the wall. “Your voice is annoying,” he growled.</p>
<p>“You know,” Eugene managed, voice muffled by the hand across his mouth, “I get that a lot.”</p>
<p>The man yelled, slamming Eugene’s head back into the wall. Pain burst behind his eyes at the impact, and he groaned, body becoming slightly limper in the man’s grip. “You took the only thing I had that was worth anything to me,” the man said darkly. “You stole it. I hope it was worth it, Rider.”</p>
<p>“You know,” Eugene gasped, “Starting to think maybe it wasn’t.”</p>
<p>There was a small scraping sound, and Eugene’s eyes widened as something glinted in the man’s other hand. “Listen, listen, buddy,” he tried, shaking his head. “We can talk this out, I can figure out what I did with it, track it down-”</p>
<p>“It’s too late for that,” the man hissed. “I’ve been looking for years. It’s gone. You’re not.” He let go of Eugene’s face, tossing the shining object into his other hand. He could see it now. Exactly what he'd suspected. A knife. Great.</p>
<p>“So what,” Eugene asked, setting his jaw. “You’re gonna kill me? Because I robbed you once, years ago? This is your final revenge?”</p>
<p>“Oh, no.” The man brought the knife up to Eugene’s face, the sharp tip just barely digging into his cheek. “I’m not going to kill you, Flynn. What were the words you used? ‘Get out my anger?’” The knife trailed down his cheek, leaving a thin, red line behind it. “I’m going to do that.”</p>
<p>“Wow,” Eugene said, cracking half a smile. “Well, have fun, buddy. I’m sure this is gonna be great." He paused, narrowing his eyes. "That was sarcasm. This is gonna suck for me, isn't it?"</p>
<p>“Yeah,” the man said, returning the grin coldly. “It is.” Slowly and carefully, he brought the knife down to Eugene’s shoulder and pressed the tip into the skin. “See, I could just stab you fast and quick,” he drawled, “but I find it hurts a lot more when I do it like this.”</p>
<p>Slowly, excruciatingly, he pushed the knife in.</p>
<p>Eugene screamed.</p>
<p>The pain was sharp and burning and it didn’t go away, pressure and ache and pain and pain and pain. He grit his teeth, squeezing his eyes together and trying to keep himself from letting out tears. Come on, Eugene. You’ve been stabbed before. This isn’t so bad. This could be worse.</p>
<p>In one swift motion, the man drew the knife out, and Eugene’s shoulder was coated in a warm, sticky, red, spreading through the fabric of his shirt and trickling down his arm and side.</p>
<p>“Ouch,” he managed, slumping over. “That was- I’ll give you that one, that one hurt.”</p>
<p>“I’m aware,” the man said, voice almost sweet. “Shall we do the other?”</p>
<p>“Really, I’d prefer we don’t-”</p>
<p>“Please, Rider.” The man scoffed. “You can do better than that. You want me to stop? Beg me.”</p>
<p>“Well, hey,” Eugene laughed weakly, trying to move his shoulder and grimacing in pain. “You mean all I have to say is please? Pretty please with a cherry on top?”</p>
<p>“Well, when you put it like that…” the man hummed. “I think I’d rather you just shut the fuck up.”</p>
<p>The knife stabbed into his other shoulder- faster, this time, less painful- and then the man twisted.</p>
<p>Eugene could feel skin and muscle being slashed apart as he rotated the knife, and he cried out, leaning his head back against the wall and breathing heavily. “Ok. Ok. Ok,” he panted, fists clenched so tightly together he could feel his nails biting into his skin. “Christ, ok. What do you want me to say. I’m sorry? Because I’m sorry-”</p>
<p>The knife slid out and plunged into his stomach, and Eugene couldn’t hold back the tears welling in his eyes anymore. He cried out once again, whimpering softly.</p>
<p>“Don’t give a fuck,” the man said coldly. “I just want you to feel the pain you caused me.”</p>
<p>Eugene did his best to smile, through the tears starting to trickle down his face. “Edgy,” he forced out.</p>
<p>“You,” the man said cooly, hand on the knife, “should really watch your mouth.”</p>
<p>“Can’t,” Eugene said breathlessly. “S’on my face. Physically impossible.”</p>
<p>“You’re infuriating.” The man pulled the knife out with a grunt. “How ‘bout this. You crack wise one more time, and I’ll go back and bring one of your friends to play with us. Sound good?”</p>
<p>Eugene bit back a retort, heart stopping in his chest. No. Not that. Anything but that. As much as he wanted to say something, something stupid, or defiant, or clever, he couldn’t risk that. Not for Rapunzel. Not for any of them.</p>
<p>“Nothing?” The man said smugly. Eugene just closed his eyes.</p>
<p>“Then I’ll leave you for now,” the man said. “Hope you don’t bleed out. It’d really be a shame.”</p>
<p>He withdrew, wiping the knife off on his sleeve and sliding it back into a holster. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Rider,” he smiled.</p>
<p>Eugene let out a quiet groan the second the man left. His body felt like it was on fire. Wet, and cold, and clammy with blood, and filled with burning, scorching pain, all through his shoulder and arms, through his stomach, through his chest.</p>
<p>“Blondie,” he said weakly, to no-one in particular. “Just hang in there, Sunshine. I’m gonna get out of here.”</p>
<p>He just had to figure out how.</p>
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